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The Computer Test

Moses and the Computer

Occupational Hymns

 

 

 

The Computer Test

 

On the third day, Satan was still trying to pick an argument with Jesus about who could get the most out of his computer.  God, tired of hearing it, said, “Stop!  I will test both of you for three hours and I will judge who does the better job.”

So, they sat down at their keyboards and worked at top speed. They typed. They moused. They did spreadsheets. But only a few minutes before the three hours were up, lightning flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, and rain came down in torrents.

Of course, the electricity went off.  

Satan was furious. He fumed. He fussed. He ranted and raved. 

The electricity stayed off.  

Time passed.

After a while, the storm stopped and the electricity came back on.  Satan howled, “I lost it all because  the power went off! What am I going to do?”  

Jesus smiled.  

Satan sneered, “Why are You smiling? What happened to Your work?”  

Jesus turned His computer back on, the screen glowed, and when He refreshed the screen, it was all there.  

“HOW DID YOU DO THAT?!” Satan screamed.  

God smiled and replied, “Jesus saves.”

 

(Original author unknown.  Revised.)

 

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Moses and the Computer

 

Moses said, "Excuse me, Sir."

God responded, "Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"

"How did You guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yes, of course."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But You already know, Sir. Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out."

"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things You sent me via email?"

"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."

"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but of course, You would see right through that."

"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"Yes, Sir. I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought Your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."

"Oh. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"The term is 'spamming,' Moses."

"Oh, yes. I emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what did he say?"

"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things,' do you?"

"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."

"Whatever. This computer stuff is just too much for me! Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."

"We will do it the new way, Moses, using computers."

"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try calling Technical Support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than You? And I really like Your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing. Why did You not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice' because did You not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I did not name them, Moses, man did. You may call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"

"Say 'good night,' Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let me see... 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not correct thy neighbor's wife.'"

"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."

 

(Original author unknown.)

 

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Occupational Hymns

 There are hymns for every occupation.  Is yours in this sampling?

 

Arbitrators - Lord, Make Me An Instrument Of Thy Peace

Archeologists - O God, Our Help In Ages Past

Artists - Draw Me Nearer

Astronauts - Earth And All Stars

Astronomers - We Search The Starlit Milky Way

Athletes - All My Life Long I Had Panted

AT&T employees - Reach Out And Touch

Au pairs - Getting Used To The Family of God

Bakers - Break Thou The Bread of Life

Bankers - Jesus Saves!

Beggars - Fill My Cup, Lord

Bill collectors - Jesus Paid It All

Boxers - Fight The Good Fight

Builders - How Firm A Foundation

Celebrities - Is My Name Written There?

Cheerleaders - Get All Excited

Counselors - Face To Face

Day care workers - Jesus Loves The Little Children

Dentists - Crown Him With Many Crowns

Dispatchers - So Send I You

Doctors - The Great Physician

Dry cleaners - Are You Washed In The Blood?  

Electricians - Send The Light

Emergency medical technicians - Rescue The Perishing

Farmers - We Plow The Fields And Scatter The Good Seed

Firefighters - It Only Takes A Spark  

Foster parents - Abide With Me

Funeral directors - Days Are Filled With Sorrow And Care

Gardeners - In The Garden

Genealogists - Join All The Glorious Names

Geologists – Take Me To The Rock That Is Higher Than I

Golfers - There Is A Green Hill Far Away

Gravediggers - Low In The Grave He Lay

Graveyard shift workers - It May Be At Morn

Grease mechanics - Cleanse Me

Hoteliers - Have You Any Room For Jesus?

Insurance agents - Blessed Assurance, Jesus Is Mine  

Journalists & Newscasters - It Is No Secret

Lawyers - Just As I Am, Without One Plea

Loan officers - Jesus Never Fails  

Massage therapists - He Touched Me

Meteorologists - Higher Ground

Moguls - If I Gained The World

Mountain climbers - Rock Of Ages, Cleft For Me

Musicians - Hear The Bells Ringing

Ophthalmologists - Open My Eyes That I Might See

Optometrists - Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

Peace negotiators - Let There Be Peace On Earth  

Personal shoppers - Sweet Bye And Bye

Phlebotomists - Nothing But The Blood

Politicians - Standing On The Promises Of God

Prison inmates - I Surrender All

Real estate agents & Property managers - I've Got A Mansion Just Over The Hilltop

Real estate investors - When I Can Read My Title Clear

Red Cross workers - A Shelter In The Time Of Storm

Respiratory therapists - O Breath Of Life

Retirees - Jesus, I Am Resting, Resting

Sailors - I've Anchored My Soul  

Seamstresses & Tailors - Holy, Holy, Holy

Security guards - Security

Seismologists - Great Hills May Tremble

Sportscasters - Moment By Moment

Stevedores - Burdens Are Lifted At Calvary

Storytellers - I Heard An Old, Old Story

Swimming teachers - Come To The Water  

Taxi & Other Drivers:

45 mph - God Will Take Care of You

65 mph - Nearer My God To Thee

85 mph - This World Is Not My Home

95 mph - Lord, I'm Coming Home

100 mph - Precious Memories

Telephone repairers - There's A Call Comes Ringing

Tour guides - Anywhere With Jesus I Can Safely Go

Truck drivers - Out In The Highways And By-ways Of Life

Veterinarians - All Creatures Of Our God And King

Vocalists - He Keeps Me Singing

Weather forecasters - There Shall Be Showers Of Blessings

 

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